Arch Enema

Saving America from French Imperialism

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

WMDs Found!

For you lost liberals (you must be lost to have tripped over this blog), let's just set the equation straight when it comes to the WMDs in Iraq:

"Billions of Dollars in Food-for-Oil Money" + "2nd Largest Oil Field In the World" + "Cruel and Unfettered Tyrant Who Hated the United States and Demonstrated on More than One Occasion the Willingness to Exterminate Masses of People" + "Cozy Relations with Islamic Jihadists" = WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION

Can the math get any easier? Even for you?

Not to mention the tons of mustard gas that have turned the Tigris yellow, which could not be reported by the UN inspectors because it wasn't in a war head or a barrel. Nomenclature is so important here . . .

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Thank you, Michael Moore

Thank you, Michael Moore, for your incalculable contributions on behalf of the Bush campaign. Your endless tirades, blatant lies and incoherent ravings were invaluable in driving sane people everywhere to the polls to vote for George W. Bush.

Thank you, Hollywood, for, once again, revealing that you have little or nothing in common with the species homo sapiens. Thank you, Barbra Streisand for abandoning Israel and reinforcing the universal opinion that you should have retired the first time. Thank you, Bill Maher for finally starting to look like the disoriented dope-head you already profess to be. Thank you P. Diddy for your discourse on getting out the poor urban youth vote while you flashed your diamonds and your ignorance. Thank you Cameron Diaz for being the dumbest chick on earth (and I don’t use the deprecating term “chick” lightly). And no, Cameron, rape will not increase because Bush has been elected. After all, it’s Conservatives who put criminals in jail. It’s Liberals who let them out.

Thank you CBS, ABC, NBC and CNN for putting your journalistic feet in the giant cow pies of Rathergate and NYTrogate, and for publicly and ceaselessly revealing your extreme liberal bias. Watching you thrash like flies in a WEB ( i.e. the blogosphere) was so very entertaining. Special thanks to Dan Rather and Mary Mapes for reporting so polluted with deception it glowed in the dark.

Thank you, United Nations for the Food-for-Oil scandal. Thank you, IAEA for your failed attempt to corrupt our elections by claiming that explosives that you were supposed to destroy yourselves had “disappeared”. Thank you people of France, Al-Jazeera and Usama bin Laden for your endorsements, literal or implied, of John Kerry, which were invaluable in galvanizing the American public.

And now for some special recognition . . .

Thank you, thank you, thank you John Edwards, for being the most unqualified candidate to run for public office in United States history. Thank you for your inability to answer simple questions during a debate, your cheap shot at Mary Cheney, and your creepy little munchkin-like hands that freaked out half the women in this country. Thank you for not only being an ambulance-chaser by profession, but for accepting millions of dollars from trial lawyers for your campaign, thus nullifying any credibility you might have had regarding your intentions to revamp America’s health care system.

And thank you for chiming in, Elizabeth Edwards, to defend your husband’s and John Kerry’s intrusion into Mary Cheney’s privacy, as well as your own tasteless insults to Lynn Cheney, not to mention your Teresa-Heinz-Kerry-dumpy-frumpy chic.

Thank you Kerry daughters for being mindlessly useless window-dressing in a campaign of naked opportunism. Your outrage at the fact that some middle-America families actually have to pay for their children’s extracurricular activities really helped galvanize those Midwestern tax payers who correctly perceive that optional, non-school expenses for such things as cheerleading outfits should be paid by the parents of kids who choose to wear them. Or better yet, paid by the kids themselves through allowances, jobs or bake sales.

Oh, yes, and thank you Chris Heinz, for calling our Commander-in-Chief a “cokehead”, then stating that you had no proof but that “he hasn’t sold me any” (although we suspect others have). Having inherited your mother’s nuclear-waste-coated tongue you're going to need a lot of mommy's money to get anywhere in politics.

And that brings us to another special thanks: Thank you, Teresa Heinz-Kerry for trying so hard to reach out to the seedy underbelly of America with your trashy language, off-color remarks and crude insinuations. Thank you for repelling the decent people of the this country right into the voting booths to vote for your husband’s opponent.

And finally, thank you John Kerry for your uncanny ability to take every side of every issue and argue it with complete lack of conviction. Thank you for your extreme elitist views. Thank you for insulting Catholic voters by asserting that being a devout Catholic consists of giving lip service to the basic tenants of one’s faith while actively working against them in the government. Thank you for betraying your fellow Viet Nam comrades by accusing them of heinous war crimes. Thank you for displaying documents on your website that indicate you were probably dishonorably discharged and had Jimmy Carter cover it up.

Thank you for your inability to throw a baseball, for your Lambert field gaff, for your spandex snow-boarding outfit with the plastic flower dangling off the zipper, and for marrying Teresa Heinz. Thank you for claiming to have spent Christmas in Cambodia and to have hunted a (mythical) 16-point deer (or was it a unicorn?) Thank you for looking and sounding like a funeral director. It’s your funeral.

Thank you for being so unconvincing, so accommodating, so ingenuous, so scheming, so dishonest and so convoluted that nobody, but nobody in this country could figure out what in the world you stood for. And still can’t.

Thank you, all of you. A grateful country thanks you for your tireless efforts on behalf of the election campaign of George W. Bush. We will never forget what you all did.

Never.

So watch your backs ‘cause it’s payback time!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

$3 Billion Body-Parts-For-Stars Contest

Maybe I'm a little slow to recharge my batteries, but Brad (arm)Pitts' automatonic leap into California's $3 billion embryonic stem cell research giveaway contest jogged my wiring just enough for some lights to come on.


It now makes perfect sense to me the Left is so hell-bent on foisting this fraud on the voters: They want to liver forever. Here. On this planet. God forbid.


Religious and spiritual people believe in life after death, or Nirvana, or perhaps reincarnation, or at least something. But whatever the particular particulars, they do not believe that death is the end. Therefore, they neither need nor desire to live forever in their mortal bodies.


Non-religious people, with which the Left is rife, do not have the luxury of any kind of life-after-death. Therefore the fabulously exaggerated promises--or even hints of promises--suggested by some scientists, journalists, politicians and celebrities, that stem cell research will result in advances in longevity or even corporeal immortality, are the only straw that these poor godless people can grasp.


In other words, if you don't believe in God, all you've got left is cloning. I say cloning because a stem cell won't do you any good unless is has your DNA, so embryos will need to be cloned using your DNA in order to produce stem cells that are useful to you. The legalization of embryonic stem cell research is just the first step to legalizing the cloning of humans for body parts.


Does that sound fantastic? Well, think about this, then:

30 years ago when the Supreme Court ruled on Roe vs. Wade, most people assumed that abortion would be rare, occur early in the pregnancy, and only be used in extreme circumstances. Today, 1.3 million abortions are performed each year, and 97% of them are merely for convenience. Today, a woman can have an abortion for any reason up until the time of birth. Today, it's no big deal to kill your baby, in fact, many women are pressured into doing it by family, friends and the mistaken belief that they aren't up to the task fo rearing a child (you know, like women have been doing for the last 150,000 years. Ok, perhaps 10,000 years depending on your religious beliefs--but it's still a long time).


So, with that precedent, what's so far fetched about stem-cell research being the first step toward human cloning?


And, as usual, the rich elitists want the taxpayers to pay for it! Why doesn't Brad Pitt plunk down a few hundred million of his own money?


But, then again, what's so bad about cloning a baby for body parts? After all, isn't keeping Brad Pitt young-looking worth it?

Monday, October 25, 2004

Things Better Left Said

Throughout history, some very intelligent people have been warning us about liberals like Kerry--here are some eloquent treats from those far more silver-tongued than I:

"A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake, at the moment." Willis Player

Well, that just about sums up the Democrat Party.

"It is always to be taken for granted, that those who oppose an equality of rights never mean the exclusion should take place on themselves." Thomas Paine

And the same could be said about Dems and their view of taxes. Especially Since Teresa the Terrible only paid about 12 1/2% taxes in 2003--a lower percentage than someone making $10,000. There's just something so attractive about giving to the poor and downtrodden--as long as the money you're giving comes from the poor and downtrodden.

"Here's my favorite--does this sound like anyone we know?

"The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes-- thank God these people don't actually go outdoors much, or the environment would be even worse than it is already." P.J. O'Rourke, 1991, "Dirt of The Earth: The Ecologists"

Has anyone ever asked John Kerry if he he did drugs in Vietnam? And how much/many? "Yes, but I didn't inhale." Of course not, he took a crack enema. (ENEMA ALERT!!) You know, that would certainly explain John Kerry's behavior, his confusion, his preference for rich, sloppy, crude women, his inability to give an interview without the answers tatooed on his forarm. His brain is pan-fried, parbroiled, scrambled, fricaseed and fell-in-the-charcoal-3-times.

I love this one:

A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with his own money-if a gun is held to his head." P.J. O'Rourke, Rolling Stone Magazine

Yeee-ouch--that's gotta hurt! And this explains why you cannot reason with a Democrat:

"Earthly minds, like mud walls, resist the strongest batteries; and though, perhaps, sometimes the force of a clear argument may make some impression, yet they nevertheless stand firm, keep out the enemy, truth, that would captivate or disturbe them." John Locke (1632-1704)

See, they have mud for brains. And here, finally and frighteningly, is the BIG TRUTH about John Kerry and Munchkin-Boy Edwards and most of the Democrat Party:

"Pure, hard-core liberals believe in a superior race. They think they're it. They believe they're more intelligent than the general run of mankind, better suited than the little people are to manage the little people's lives. They think they have the one true vision, the ability to solve all the moral dilemmas of the century. They prefer big government because that is the first step to totalitarianism, toward unquestioned rule by the elite. And of course they see themselves as the elite." Dean Koontz, from "The Face of Fear"

Monday, October 18, 2004

Vote Principle, Not Personality

Part of the Hugh Hewitt Symposium "In 250 words or less 'Why Vote for Bush and What's Wrong with Kerry'".
My answer to this is--don't vote for Bush or Kerry. Weigh the issues and their relative merit and vote your conscience accordingly.
1. The War in Iraq: If you truly believe that we would have been better leaving Saddam Hussein alone to bribe the UN Security Council and amass his arsenal of WMD's, then not even the Duelfer Report can change your mind.
2. Abortion: If you truly feel that killing 3,000 to 4,000 innocent unborn children PER DAY in the USA is acceptable, then your mind isn't worth changing. But at least read what girls and women who've had abortions have to say about their wonderful experiences before you parrot the "abortion is a women's rights issue" myth.
3. No Child Left Behind: If you are convinced that George Bush didn't "fully fund" No Child Left Behind, then you need to understand the trick nomenclature being used in that bogus argument.
4.The Draft: If you think that Bush will reinstitute the draft--please remember it was the Democrats who sponsored 2 draft bills--one in the House and one in the Senate and the Republicans squashed them. It's Kerry who wants to add 40,000 troops to our Armed Forces, not Bush. Logically speaking then, if anyone is likely to attempt to bring back the draft, it would be Kerry, not Bush.
5. Same-Sex Marriage: If you think promoting a constituional amendment protecting traditional one man-one woman marriage is just plain discriminatory, you could be right. Or, you could be wrong. But remember, dead gays can't marry anyone. Much less each other. We are at war and the threat is real. This issue is so far off the radar compared to the war, it isn't going to go anywhere. Certainly not in the next 4 years, anyway.
6. Raising Taxes: If your paycheck comes out of someone else's pocket (in the form of their income or property taxes ), you will probably never vote for someone promoting tax cuts because it means the money you are taking from your fellow citizens might be decreased. Can't change your selfish, self-centered mind and won't try. Just remember, "government money" does NOT come from the government, it comes from your tax-paying neighbors. And if you think we are going to get taxes out of the rich, just see how Teresa Heinz-Kerry handles that problem.
7. Integrity, Integrity, Integrity: If you think Michael Moore, Moveon.org and/or John Kerry are telling the truth, then London Bridge is still up for sale.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Teresa's Taxing Taxes

Remember when President Bush said "You know what 'tax the rich' means: They dodge and you pay."

And here's the proof, straight from Teresa Heinz-Kerry's income tax form:

Teresa Kerry's 2003 gross taxable income:............$2,291,137
Teresa Kerry's 2003 TAX FREE interest income:.....$2,781,790

............................................TOTAL:...$5,072,928

Teresa Kerry's total Federal Income Tax Paid:.......$627,150

Teresa Kerry's "effective" tax rate on income of

$5,072,928 was ONLY 12.36%

YOUR "effective" tax rate (2003):
If your adjusted gross income was:

.......................up to $7,000 you paid 10.00%
........from $7,0001 - $28,4000 you paid 15.00%

If you were Teresa Heinz-Kerry you paid . . .ONLY 12.36%

If you made $7,001 in 2003
(Head of household or married filing separately),
then YOU PAID A HIGHER TAX RATE THAN TERESA HEINZ-KERRY.

This is what is meant by "the rich dodge and you pay!" A vote for John Kerry and the Democrats gives them carte-blanche (that's French for 'blank check') to raise taxes on the middle and lower classes. It's a mandate for taxation. After all, they're not going to get a dime from their own class. They will get the money from you and me. Unless you're a billionaire. I'm sure not.

Figures from the following sources (Read more about it at) Carnivorous Conservative or
Tax Info

John Kerry: Psychic to the Gays

Now that John Kerry has revealed his most guarded secret, that he can read the minds of homosexuals such as Mary Cheney, why doesn't he read the rest of our minds and take heed? By drowning himself . . .

Seriously, how in the world does John Kerry know what Mary Cheney is thinking--or better yet--what she would say regarding the origins of her orientation? What right does he have to speak for her? Or for anyone else, for that matter? Wouldn't it just be a scream if Mary Chaney made a public statement that her lifestyle was a choice, not a matter of genetics as Kerry suggested. But of course, she should not respond in any way. She shouldn't have to. She never should have been mentioned in the first place.

Even if children and other family members weren't off limits for political discussion (after all, since Kerry got an annulment from his legal, 18-year Catholic first marriage, his two daughters are technically illegitimate), Two Face still has no right or business putting words in someone else's mouth. He has enough trouble governing the ones that come out of his own.

No wonder his mother made a last-ditch attempt to infuse him with integrity--she must have known she had failed previously. And failed miserably.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Kerry Sings Yippee-yi-oh-Kerr-y

And now for a musical diversion, sung
by that old rough-n-tumble he-man War Dog, John Kerry
to the tune of "I'm an old cowhand" aka "Yippee-yi-oh-ki-yay",
which has been modified to the more usable Yippee-yi-oh-kerr-y
in some instances. My apologies to the original songwriter.


I'm a dandy dude
with a platitude
and a plan that's new
every day or two

I'll fire Haliburton just as fast as I can
outsource the jobs to my Frenchie fans
sell plu-to-ni-um to Iran

Yippee-yi-oh-ki-yay
Workin’ for Schlumberger [that’s slum-ber-jay to you rednecks!]

******************
I'm a clueless guy
with a fancy 'do
Got a pumpkin tan
but I talk real good.

Hired Martin-Short-doin'-Charlie-Sheen
That's who I've got for your next VP
Coulda been worse 'cause it coulda been Dean.

Yippee-yio-ky-yay
Munchkin-Boy's on the way!

*****************
I'm a harrassed man
with a grumpy wife.
She's got sharper edges
than a butcher knife.

Sat me down on the yacht and here's what she said:
"Make me First Lady or you're surely dead.
I'll take all the money and run off with Ted."

Yippee-yi-oh-Kerr-y
She's meaner than Hillary

So, everybody vote for me!

******************

Take a bow, John. The rest of you please feel free
to add verses at your discretion.

"Let Them Eat Yellowcake!"

Well, he's finally done it. Monsieur Kerry has emitted the quintessential "Kerryism" that defines his core attitude towards terrorism and its proper place in the lives of the unwashed masses. Namely, us.

“We have to get back to the place we were, where terrorists are not the focus of our lives, but they’re a nuisance,” Kerry said.

After all, this terrorism stuff is interfering with the really important activities of life--like getting a decent Cabernet Sauvignon.

I can certainly understand this attitude. If you had 50 Secret Service agents surrounding you 24-hours a day, a bulletproof limo, your own private jet (so you never have to fly a commerical airliner), your own private yacht (so you never had to sail on commercial ocean liner), and a mine field surrounding each of your 5 mansions, you'd probably feel this way too.

Shame on the masses for being so concerned! Get back to work so you can pay taxes. Let them eat yellowcake!