Arch Enema

Saving America from French Imperialism

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Thank you, Michael Moore

Thank you, Michael Moore, for your incalculable contributions on behalf of the Bush campaign. Your endless tirades, blatant lies and incoherent ravings were invaluable in driving sane people everywhere to the polls to vote for George W. Bush.

Thank you, Hollywood, for, once again, revealing that you have little or nothing in common with the species homo sapiens. Thank you, Barbra Streisand for abandoning Israel and reinforcing the universal opinion that you should have retired the first time. Thank you, Bill Maher for finally starting to look like the disoriented dope-head you already profess to be. Thank you P. Diddy for your discourse on getting out the poor urban youth vote while you flashed your diamonds and your ignorance. Thank you Cameron Diaz for being the dumbest chick on earth (and I don’t use the deprecating term “chick” lightly). And no, Cameron, rape will not increase because Bush has been elected. After all, it’s Conservatives who put criminals in jail. It’s Liberals who let them out.

Thank you CBS, ABC, NBC and CNN for putting your journalistic feet in the giant cow pies of Rathergate and NYTrogate, and for publicly and ceaselessly revealing your extreme liberal bias. Watching you thrash like flies in a WEB ( i.e. the blogosphere) was so very entertaining. Special thanks to Dan Rather and Mary Mapes for reporting so polluted with deception it glowed in the dark.

Thank you, United Nations for the Food-for-Oil scandal. Thank you, IAEA for your failed attempt to corrupt our elections by claiming that explosives that you were supposed to destroy yourselves had “disappeared”. Thank you people of France, Al-Jazeera and Usama bin Laden for your endorsements, literal or implied, of John Kerry, which were invaluable in galvanizing the American public.

And now for some special recognition . . .

Thank you, thank you, thank you John Edwards, for being the most unqualified candidate to run for public office in United States history. Thank you for your inability to answer simple questions during a debate, your cheap shot at Mary Cheney, and your creepy little munchkin-like hands that freaked out half the women in this country. Thank you for not only being an ambulance-chaser by profession, but for accepting millions of dollars from trial lawyers for your campaign, thus nullifying any credibility you might have had regarding your intentions to revamp America’s health care system.

And thank you for chiming in, Elizabeth Edwards, to defend your husband’s and John Kerry’s intrusion into Mary Cheney’s privacy, as well as your own tasteless insults to Lynn Cheney, not to mention your Teresa-Heinz-Kerry-dumpy-frumpy chic.

Thank you Kerry daughters for being mindlessly useless window-dressing in a campaign of naked opportunism. Your outrage at the fact that some middle-America families actually have to pay for their children’s extracurricular activities really helped galvanize those Midwestern tax payers who correctly perceive that optional, non-school expenses for such things as cheerleading outfits should be paid by the parents of kids who choose to wear them. Or better yet, paid by the kids themselves through allowances, jobs or bake sales.

Oh, yes, and thank you Chris Heinz, for calling our Commander-in-Chief a “cokehead”, then stating that you had no proof but that “he hasn’t sold me any” (although we suspect others have). Having inherited your mother’s nuclear-waste-coated tongue you're going to need a lot of mommy's money to get anywhere in politics.

And that brings us to another special thanks: Thank you, Teresa Heinz-Kerry for trying so hard to reach out to the seedy underbelly of America with your trashy language, off-color remarks and crude insinuations. Thank you for repelling the decent people of the this country right into the voting booths to vote for your husband’s opponent.

And finally, thank you John Kerry for your uncanny ability to take every side of every issue and argue it with complete lack of conviction. Thank you for your extreme elitist views. Thank you for insulting Catholic voters by asserting that being a devout Catholic consists of giving lip service to the basic tenants of one’s faith while actively working against them in the government. Thank you for betraying your fellow Viet Nam comrades by accusing them of heinous war crimes. Thank you for displaying documents on your website that indicate you were probably dishonorably discharged and had Jimmy Carter cover it up.

Thank you for your inability to throw a baseball, for your Lambert field gaff, for your spandex snow-boarding outfit with the plastic flower dangling off the zipper, and for marrying Teresa Heinz. Thank you for claiming to have spent Christmas in Cambodia and to have hunted a (mythical) 16-point deer (or was it a unicorn?) Thank you for looking and sounding like a funeral director. It’s your funeral.

Thank you for being so unconvincing, so accommodating, so ingenuous, so scheming, so dishonest and so convoluted that nobody, but nobody in this country could figure out what in the world you stood for. And still can’t.

Thank you, all of you. A grateful country thanks you for your tireless efforts on behalf of the election campaign of George W. Bush. We will never forget what you all did.


So watch your backs ‘cause it’s payback time!


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